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For those of you who have been following me on Instagram (@_stephaniesworld) you may be aware that I suffered from anorexia for the majority of my youth.  

 

I first developed an eating disorder at about 15/16. What triggered it for me, i think, was when I had to move from a school that i loved to a new environment, which i did not feel well suited to. During Sixth form college I didn't have many friends. This made me feel down and I started to turn to my eating disorder for comfort. I felt I didn't need or deserve to eat. This in effect made it difficult for me to concentrate and unfortunately I did not get the grades i had hoped for to go to University.  I became so focused in my eating disorder that nothing else mattered to me. Having done so well in my GCSE's, I felt deeply upset with myself, like a failure. I found it difficult to cope with this. My eating disorder became like a coping strategy. 

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There came a time when i recognised that i needed help, though i felt too afraid to ask for it. I decided to try and get better by myself. I managed to get back up to a healthy weight, although i was never fully recovered. I guess there is no 'on and off' button for anorexia.  

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Things became worse again in my early 20's when my weight dropped dramatically. I started going to the gym and became very obsessed with counting calories. Anorexia had slowly crept back into my life.  The illness became like a drug, once i started losing weight again i just couldn't stop. The more weight I lost, the happier I became in myself. I have always been a Maths-minded person, so to me it was like a number game. I was logging calories in my head, burning them off and then repeating. 

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I finally decided to get help for myself when i saw how helpless my family became. In 2016 I was referred to Eating Disorder Services. I also had sessions with a Psychiatrist at a local hospital. The first few months were difficult for me and I ended up losing more and more weight. All i knew was that I hated my body, which is why I have very few photos of myself at this stage in my life. At BMI 15, just 5 1/2 stone, I was told that if my weight  dropped any lower I would have to go inpatient. This was the 'light-bulb' moment for me. I either continued to deteriorate in a hospital bed, or i fought back. I chose the latter. 

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The first step for me was to focus on all of the reasons why I needed to recover. One of the main reason for me was that I wanted to get married one day and have a family of my own; this is still a huge motivator for me to stay on track. I started to follow my meal plan properly and I started gaining weight, slowly but surely. I remember feeling bloated all the time, but this is just part of your body adjusting and is very common. I have actually found that over time, eating regularly helps my digestion. I would personally recommend peppermint tea & dried fruits (like dates/prunes/apricots etc) & a hot water bottle at night time to soothe any discomfort.

 

 After about 18 months of therapy, I was finally discharged from ED Services. I am so incredibly thankful for all the help and support that i received, without which, i would probably not be where i am today. My life has certainly changed for the better and this is all down to the treatment i received, and the relationships i built.

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The main reason I started my recovery account was because I wanted to reach out to others suffering from the same condition. Receiving so many kind messages from you all has without doubt aided my recovery. Meeting up with other sufferers has also been invaluable in my recovery. Just being able to talk to someone who understands what you are going through and exactly how you are feeling is so overwhelming. As i have had so much support, I want to give something back and help others, as I know what it is like suffering in silence and not feeling like you can talk to anyone. 

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Recovery has enabled me to start living again. I lived on my own for a year, which is something i NEVER thought I would be able to do, due to my eating disorder. I no longer count calories, i no longer exercise excessively. My message to all of you suffering out there is that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE if you believe in yourself. YOU are the only person that can change things after all. You have to WANT to get better. 

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I am now much stronger and I do believe that it is never too late to follow your dreams. You can be who you want to be in life, you just have to BELIEVE in yourself. Remember - you only live once so you have to make the most of it and live life to the full. There are no excuses. Something which was once a self-destroying part of my life, is slowly turning into a positive. I am grateful for life and i count my blessings each day. I feel so much more positive in myself; I have lots of plans for my future. I am ready for the next chapter of my life, and anorexia will no longer live inside me.

 

As a wise man once told me, "grow through what you go through". 

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Onwards and upwards. 

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Love,

Stephanie

 

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